World Shocked to Learn Laura Loomer Has Been Secretly Dating Hindu IT Guy for Months
In a revelation that sent shockwaves through extremist Telegram groups, confused X threads, and several otherwise quiet Hindu households, it was confirmed Tuesday that far-right conspiracy influencer Laura Loomer has been in a committed relationship with a 29-year-old Hindu IT professional for months.
The man, identified as Rakesh Patel, reportedly met Loomer when she called a freelance tech service to help remove a “shadowbanning virus” from her iPad. Since then, the pair have reportedly shared at least six meals, two emotional arguments, one couples’ foot bath, and countless Wi-Fi resets.
What has stunned the world, however, is not the relationship itself but the fact that Loomer, known for tweeting “SHARIA IS HERE” over an airport announcement and suing Facebook for personal betrayal, managed to keep it under wraps.
“I’m still trying to process this,” said one longtime follower, @PurebloodForJesus1776. “We had a Zoom prayer group for her birthday. Meanwhile, she’s out here getting chai-laid by the enemy?”
The betrayal rippled far beyond the U.S. Patel’s own uncle in Ahmedabad was caught off guard. “We were thrilled he was dating someone from America,” he said. “But we thought she was a pediatrician.”
When reached for comment, Loomer denied any hypocrisy.
“I didn’t lie about it. I just didn’t stream it. There’s a difference,” she snapped, before adding, “Besides, he’s not like the other ones. He hates Google Docs.”
According to Patel, Loomer genuinely believed he was “just good at computers and happened to be really into wellness candles.” He says she once confused his copy of the Bhagavad Gita for “an elite programming manual” and called a puja ritual “an FBI psyop involving essential oils.”
“She didn’t figure it out until I brought her home-cooked khichdi,” he said. “She got really quiet and whispered, ‘Wait. Is this how they get in?’”
Loomer has since locked her Truth Social account, citing “vibrational attacks” and requesting privacy during “a complex spiritual audit.” Still, rumors swirl that she’s considering running for office again—this time with Patel as her “anti-communist yoga strategist.”
At press time, Loomer was seen meditating angrily on Instagram Live while Patel rebooted her Ring camera.