The Equal Opportunity Haters Club
It’s waaaaaaaaaaaaay more fun than any club that would take me.
I’m a proud member of the Equal Opportunity Haters Club.
We don’t discriminate in our disgust. We hate bigotry in all its forms, regardless of the flag it waves, the god it quotes, or the buzzwords it hides behind.
We’re not angry all the time. We’re just not allergic to patterns. Here’s one pattern…
In the early 1500s, Portuguese explorer Duarte Pacheco Pereira wrote that Black slaves were easier to catch when they escaped in white countries. That observation became policy. Blackness became a feature of the supply chain. Visibility was control. The British and Dutch adopted it. America scaled it like a business school case study with no ethics module and a shit ton of VC money.
Race didn’t just become a social marker. It became infrastructure. You could see it, tax it, zone it, and criminalize it. And then rebrand it as fairness.
We didn’t dismantle that system, we just updated the user interface. Today it lives in redlining maps, traffic stops, real estate underwriting, and housing deeds that still sit in county offices right here in Madison, deeds that say, in plain English, “no Negroes or Hebrews allowed.” They’re legally meaningless now, but no one went back to erase them. That would require discomfort, and discomfort is not a growth industry.
Tulsi Gabbard says there’s no systemic racism in America. She says it between pushups and monologues on Fox. Trump says the same thing, but with the subtlety of a leaf blower and the precision of a dropped meatball. Fuck you Tulsi, triple fuck you giant POS Con Don.
But the Equal Opportunity Haters Club isn’t just here for the obvious dicks.
We have the liberal version too. The one with “Everyone is Welcome” signs on the lawn, right next to zoning ordinances that guarantee only the already-wealthy can move in. The version that praises MLK in January and blocks multi-family housing in February. The version that posts about equity while defending legacy admissions and attendance boundaries.
I grew up Indian, in a different flavor of hierarchy. We don’t talk about race as much, but we have caste baked into daily life. Colorism shows up in every wedding bio. “Wheatish complexion preferred” is still a common phrase. It means: upper-caste, light-skinned, not too threatening. Pretty enough to pass. Obedient enough to disappear.
Bigotry doesn’t always scream. Sometimes it just smiles, swivels its head soothingly and serves chai.
Now I’m American. I chose this place. And I still like it here. It’s messy, sometimes brutal, often hypocritical, but it’s also more open than anywhere else I’ve lived. (Amsterdam might have a slight edge.) It allows me to say these things out loud. To call bullshit across the aisle. To say I belong here, and also say this place is still very broken.
That’s why the Equal Opportunity Haters Club exists. Not because it’s fashionable, but because it’s functional. If you’re going to fight injustice, you can’t flinch when your own side is holding the pen. You don’t get to go soft when the zoning meeting is run by people who vote like you. You don’t get to protect your comfort and call it progress. Yes, I mean you— Mr Ivy-League Bigshot Pussy.
I don’t care if the oppression is wearing saffron robes, a MAGA hat, a Pride pin, or a reusable canvas tote bag from a climate summit.
If you’re gatekeeping humanity, you’re part of the problem.
So yes, I’ll keep naming it. In the deeds. In the maps. In the caste rules. In the school boards. In the soft, well-spoken versions of segregation that come with mission statements and matching T-shirts.
The club is open. The dues are no bullshit but you must say “go fuck yourself” three times to join.
Sources
“Racial Covenants in Property Deeds – Dane County, WI” – City of Madison
Slavery and the Rise of the Atlantic System, Barbara Solow
The Color of Law, Richard Rothstein
“The Case for Reparations,” Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Atlantic, 2014
“Wheatish Complexion and Colorism in India,” BBC News, 2020
Duarte Pacheco Pereira, Esmeraldo de Situ Orbis, 1506
Tulsi Gabbard: “There is no systemic racism in America,” Fox News Interview