Our Humblest Savior

Brothers and sisters, let us bow our heads in awe at a man so great, so unmatched, so chosen, and yet so humble. Donald J. Trump, a man who has towers in his name, a man whose face appears on magical coins, a man who got rid of brown filth and ugly wheelchairs, went on Fox & Friends and said with the greatest humility ever, “I want to try and get to heaven, if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”

That, my brothers and sisters, is humility. Imagine being the best at everything: the best crowds, the best deals, the best hair, and still saying you might not make the cut. Only a truly humble man could stand before the world and admit that heaven is not yet sold on him. The humblest man in the world.

And yet, Trump’s humility does not stop there. He brings it down to earth. He looks at Erin Miller, a disabled librarian in Cudahy WI, running pathetic parades and trivia nights to keep her ridiculous disabled community alive. And with true humility he says, “Why fund her? Every penny counts.” He looks at Abigail Tessmann, living with cerebral palsy, burning ten times the energy he burns just to eat and work, and he says, “That’s a total scam. Very sad. Very inefficient. A complete disaster. Shut it down.” He hears Jill Jacklitz of Disability Rights Wisconsin cry, “We are a tiny, tiny bit of funding in the budget, but we do mighty important work,” and he answers, “Tiny is wasteful. I make the tiny even tinier. You’re welcome Ron Johnson.”

And when his time comes, will he walk to the pearly gates? Will he rush in as if he owns the place? Will he immediately sue? No. He’ll make an offer. That is his genius wrapped in modesty. “Pete, you’ve been running heaven the wrong way. Nice gates, but plain. I’ll gold-plate them. Sad little clouds? I’ll bring in bigger clouds, huge clouds, the best clouds. We’ll Make Heaven Great Again. And everyone will thank you.”

And in awe, St. Peter will tremble at the grace of it. For the first time in eternity, he will realize heaven has been mismanaged. He realizes those gates, pearly and white, could shine like Mar-a-Lago. He realizes the meek may inherit the earth, but the earth is burning up, and under Trump, the rich should inherit heaven. And so he opens the gates.

Now inside, Trump will find Jesus Himself. And what will he say? Not insults, not boasts, but gentle correction. “That line of yours, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Beautiful line, very famous, but wrong. Very weak. I fixed it for you. Now it’s, ‘Whatever you saved for the greatest of these, the richest of these, the loudest of these, you did for me.’ Better numbers. Bigger crowds. You’ll love it.”

And Jesus, who has never known the art of the deal, bows his head and whispers, “Thank you, sir. You have shown me the way.”

Do you see it, brothers and sisters? That is humility. To be brave enough to mock the disabled on stage, to flap your arms for laughs, to strip their protections, all for us, to save us pennies. To make sure our tax burden was light. Only a truly humble man sacrifices the least of these so that the greatest of us might prosper.

And so I give thanks. Thank you, Donald J. Trump, for your humility despite your greatness. Thank you for disappearing the disabled of Wisconsin so that I may keep more in my wallet. Thank you for showing Jesus where He went wrong. Thank you for gold-plating the pearly gates, for promising bigger clouds, for making heaven great again.

For it is written in the Book of Trump: “Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the loud, for they shall inherit the microphone. Blessed are the winners, for the losers shall pay the bill.”

And thanks be to his great followers. They all saw what we did not. The chosen ones. May they spend eternity with their golden god Donald J. Trump.