Endoscopy Report – Colonoscopy
Patient Name: United States of America
Date of Procedure: 06/09/2025
Referring Physician: Dr. George Soreass
Procedure/Scope Model: iProbe UltraDeep™ w/ Panopticonned Lens + Intersectional Overlay
Indications for Procedure: Pre-Procedure Assessment:
Patient semi‑sentient, murmuring fragments of the Pledge and “WAP”
DEI‑lated bowels with zero peristaltic integrity
Rectal prep interrupted by a Qatar Airways 747 landing on the taint
Q‑anus Echo Spiral Disorder™
Refused anesthesia: demanded Tucker Carlson reading Mein Kampf in ASMR
Internal temperature 451 °F; declared “Free Speech Enema Rights”
Terminal Anus National Unification Syndrome (T.A.N.U.S.)
Findings:
Anal Verge:
No longer anatomical—now a roundtable of G7 sphincters debating pronouns
Flagpole impactions include two American, one Confederate, and a rainbow crochet with frayed edges
Entry delayed by ceremonial Narendra Modiculitis welcome dance—each pelvic thrust triggered a border‑patrol drone
Rectum:
Internal walls replaced by monetized OnlyFans history curriculum
Trapped: Justin Sun hawking a DAO to fund a $hitcoin backed by Epstein’s trust
Graffiti reads: “Live, Laugh, Lynch” in Comic Sans; source suspected to be Ron DeSantis’ subconscious
Sigmoid Colon:
Fungus-like growths spelling out ‘Heritage, not Hate’
Streaming malodorous discharge shows MS‑13 rave infiltrated by Proud Boys dressed as drag nuns
Detected: Narendra Modi’s approval ratings bouncing inside a bubble of methane and saffron
Descending Colon:
Joe Biden in suspended animation near splenic flexure, cradling a dusty Amtrak whistle and whispering “Scranton”
Encircled by centrist white blood cells too polite to eliminate cancerous libertarian memes
Kamala hologram malfunctioning—looping “We Did It, Joe” while twerking on a drone
Transverse Colon:
Lodged: Gavin Newsom attempting to ban trans fats and trans thoughts simultaneously
Clots of DEI paperwork—no clear metrics, but plenty of logos
Found: A tote bag labeled “mutual aid” filled with crypto, narcan, and a 1619 coloring book
Ascending Colon:
Donald Trump reinserted like an ancient shartist —now fused with a Saudi sovereign wealth gland
Adjacent tissue shows necrosis and gold‑leaf graffiti “Make Colon Great Again”
Brett Kavanaugh’s Booftrace™ DNA swirling in a Slurpee vortex alongside stray Alito opinions and Chick‑fil‑A sauce
Cecum:
Charter‑school ruins; kids debating Pluto’s pronoun status
Education budget funnelled into holographic Linda McMahon deepfake selling bunker condos
Jimmy Carter’s ghost rejected “anti‑business” by the colon’s automated defense system
Biopsies Taken:
One suppressed truth cell from a Howard Zinn appendix—smoking, angry, still teaching
One grant‑proposal marked “equity,” entirely composed of headshots and QR codes
One embryonic gun‑regulation thought—self-deleted out of shame
Complications:
Patient denied all findings, then attempted to colonize the scope itself
Screamed “DEEP SCOPE!” while forcibly inserting a pocket Constitution
Demanded second opinion from Elon Musk’s neural‑sphincter node
Press conference scheduled with Joe Rogan, a falcon, and a replica of Mars
Impression:
MAGA Fecal Retention – Complete refusal to evacuate even symbolic waste aand fraud
White Blood Cell Genocide – Immune system annihilated by critical‑thought exposure
Kompromat Colonitis – Organ blackmailed by external actors (see: Qatar, Putin, Meta)
Cognitive Dissonantritis – Widespread delusions preserved in amber and voted on
Recommendations:
Immediate R.I.M.J.O.B.™ (Rectal Integrity Multiverse Jetstream Outflow Blast) with a uranium mint
Limit Fox News fiber intake to once monthly
Voluntary exile to Canada or Intense Anesis Therapy
Schedule follow‑up in 2026 if buttplug hasn’t rocketed out and annexed Taiwan
Immediate Golden Shower Dome Deployment
Disposition:
Patient discharged with three AR‑15s, a Chick‑fil‑A coupon, and a tattoo reading “1776 Was an Inside Job”
Flatulated the National Anthem in Morse Code
Declared, “No one probes me but Jesus,” then vanished into a Juneteenth parade with a gas stove on a leash
In another, the Constitution is a Minecraft server run by MS‑13 and Ron Paul
In all, the patient insists: “We’re #1. (Not #2)
Report Prepared By: GPT‑ColoMax™ (GPT‑Colonic Liability Optimizer – MAGA Edition)
Filed under: National Digestive Crisis Registry, Entry #1776b‑Overthrown
Endoscopic Image Captures:
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