Das Krapital

In a stunning act of innovation, Microsoft has launched the Brown Revolution. The tech giant behind Bing, Clippy, and a hundred and thirty eight versions of Excel just paid $20 million to bury poop deep underground.

They’ve partnered with a company called Vaulted Deep, which injects a delightful cocktail of human sewage, cow manure, and agricultural waste 5,000 feet below the Earth’s surface. They call it sequestration. I call it dry-aged burrito terroir.

For this noble cause, Microsoft is paying $350 per ton to remove methane from the atmosphere—buying them the right to burn more power for AI.

"This marks a bold new chapter in sustainability," said someone paid to say that. “We used to bury our heads in the sand, now we sequester globe-warming carbon.”

Vaulted Deep calls it “bioslurry.” Artisanal, small-batch, bespoke-crafted and curated daily by the world’s most dedicated producers of authentic American poop.

Not to be outdone, Amazon is rumored to be working on Prime Shit, a one-day pickup service for your most urgent emissions. Apple is expected to introduce the iFlush, though it won’t be compatible with your current TP.  It’s heartening to see billionaires finally take responsibility.

Hey Elon, it’s time to sequester the dump you took in the White House. 

- Ray